Story of my life

Ok so a few days ago I thought it might be a good idea to get the mail. This is not something I do very often because really its at the back of my apartment and I rarely ever get fun mail, and seriously who really likes to open bills. Anyways I got the mail, and I opened something that turned out to be a collection agency notice. Now I know what your thinking: if she doesn't open her bills maybe this isn't so odd maybe she doesn't pay them either. I pay all my bills I just do everything online, so the paper statement is just a waste of my time. Ok so back to the story. I open up the bill or notice or whatever the fuck you want to call it and its for (and not I'm not joking here) 8 dollars from the Chicago Sun Times. First off doesn't it cost more to try to collect 8 dollars then the stupid 8 dollars is worth in the first place. Its 8 dollars for gods sake. Second and that which I suppose is the more important point, I never signed up to receive the Chicago Sun Times cause I kind of think its a crappy new paper. That and I really don't read the newspaper.

So here's what happened. I was sitting at home minding my own business watching the TV or some such shit, someone came to my door. I got up an answered my door, only because my you can see right into my living room so its hard to pretend that your not there. I knew it wasn't someone I knew because my friends all have keys. Ok so its a guy from the American Heart association, looking for donations. Normally I would just say no, but for some retarded reason I gave the guy ten dollars. Apparently for this donation I was suppose to receive the Chicago Sun Times on Sunday for like a month or something as a FREE trial. I never actually received this free paper mind you. Never got a one. I didn't sign anything either, but I was given a donation receipt. So a few months later someone calls me from the Sun Times seeing how I was enjoying the Sunday paper. I told him I was not enjoying anything at all because I never actually got the paper. I believe his words were something like "oh really" and then bye.

A few weeks later I received something from the Sun Times which needless to say I threw out. I kept receiving them though so eventually I opened one, and it was a bill for like 2 dollars. Which I then proceeded to throw away because I already talked to the guy and told him I never got the paper, and we all know that I really don't like to call people. So imagine my surprise when I got this collection agency notice in the mail. Now I have to tell them my side of the story in writing. All this for 8 damn dollars which I'm not going to pay on principal. This is just stupid. Who does this happen to. Moral of this very ridiculous story don't donate money to people.

New Toys

As it turns out my new favorite thing is not one of my Christmas presents as you might expect, thought I do really like all my Christmas presents. My new favorite thing is the drill I used to put up one of my Christmas presents. See I decided I wanted a coat rack for Christmas. Now normally I just throw my forty pound winter coat on the couch, but see that doesn't leave much room for people to sit on it. So in a effort to be a little nicer to potential guests, and to really not have my apartment look a hot mess all the damn time, I decided on a coat rack.

Now the coat rack is not nearly as fun as the putting up of it was. I didn't really know how to use this screw gun drill thing. But as you know I'm a quick learner, and I didn't have to put a security deposit down on my apartment, so I don't really care what it looks like when I move. The drilling was really so much fun. I've decided I need lots of tools, and I need to build things lots of things. Right now, the drill was so much fun, that I think I need to build myself a dresser. I know this is completely unreasonable, but I don't care. I don't really think that there is much drilling needed in building dresser, however I really need a dresser, and I want to play with tools. The sad, sad news is that the drill was not a Christmas present, and I have to give it back to my mom. If only I knew how much fun it could be I would have asked for one myself, but alas there is always next year. It will have to go away to the sad place, outside of my home, with the air gun I had to give up today. Its a hard knock life I know. Now I only need to find something to use my socket wrench set on because that is actually mine. Thanks to M. Someday, Someday I will build. For now I must go look for more things to drill before I have to give my fun toy back.

The Birds

Ok seriously there is just nothing normal left about my job. Yesterday I went to work at the very normal hour of 3pm. Which as you can believe I was wicked excited about. I walk in and go out on the floor, and my co-worker calls me up to the second floor to see our pet pigeon. I'm a little confused mind you, but as it turns out there is not a joke to be had here. There are really three pigeons in our store. One on the second floor and two on the first floor. Apparently they came in while people were doing shipment at 6am. I was thinking maybe the just flew in with both sets of doors open. But no that would make to much sense. They actually walked right in. We know this because they actually have them on camera just walking in. Not really sure where the person was who was suppose to be standing at the back door. I thought the whole thing was kinda funny myself, but apparently we have quite a few people in the store who are afraid of pigeons. That was even more funny if you ask me. Most of the time you didn't even know they were there, but occasionally they would fly around and cause some commotion. One almost landed on my head. Funny thing about that was that the two people I was talking to were kind of freaking out and I tottally forgot that the pigeon was there. I was kind of confused about why there was a sudden wind behind my head, but apparently that was the pigeon.
So animal control was called, but they couldn't come out until after the store closed. Only problem with that is that we close at 10pm and animal control closes at 9:30pm. Not that they bothered to tell us this until it was 11pm and we had been waiting for them for hours. In fact they actually told us they were going to be there at ten. I don't know why they bothered to tell us that, but whatever not my problem as I'm not the first person on the alarm call list. When everyone left the floor to go home I guess they started flying around like crazy it was super funny. There was dust everywhere. Also not my problem as I dont' work today.

My friends are morons!!!

Ok I do know that it is highly likely that I don't have any friends after writing that, but seriously it can't go with out saying any longer. Its not that I don't still love them, as they know that I do. Ok so here's the story of said Friday morning/afternoon while I was getting ready for to go to work:

So I get out of bed at a rather late hour of the day. Just wanting a little woo-shaa time to myself before I go to work. So I go into my kitchen to make some tea, and my slippers stick to the damn floor. I mean my big ass frog head slippers are soooooo stuck to the floor that they actually come off my feet. The first thought through my very tired brain is What the fuck. Second thought a very loud one: "I'm going to fucking kill him" Then "who the hell makes this kind of mess and doesn't fucking clean it up." Back story: my friend Hans came over the night before. I thought he was drinking beer mind you, but he must have made himself a Whiskey 7. Though I didn't actually ever see the bottle of 7up, the evidence of its existence was all over my kitchen.
Now if you know anything about me you know A. I'm not a big fan of cleaning, and B. I don't like anyone in my kitchen because I'm anal retentive. So when you make a huge mess in my kitchen and leave it I'm more than a little pissed off. M says H wouldn't have noticed it. To which I respond unless you were blind I don't know how you could have missed it. There is pop all over my floor, all over the sink, the counters, the dishwasher, the cabinets, its even on my hamburg buns and on my damn bananas. I mopped the floor 3 times until I ran out of swifter cleaning stuff. Now I'm going to have to wash it by hand which really irritates me.
mad as not only do i not have any Now the reason H was over in the first place was to bring me my vacuum. Finally, as its been in MN for the past 7 months. I don't know why I thought to do this, but I wanted to check and see if I need vacuum bags or not. So I can vacuum my nasty floor. Well I open the vacuum and this cat hair and shit comes out of it. As there is no bag in it. Ok now I'm just about rageingvacuum bags, but now I have a bigger mess than I started with, and I'm not entirely sure the vacuum will even still work. Still talking to M online line I say "Who the fuck used my damn vacuum" and her ass just starts laughing. Cause apparently the were out of vacuum bags at her house and B decided to use my vacuum instead. Apparently the thought that no one has used the vacuum in months, and the thought that the last time I used it was to clean the apartment didn't cross her mind as she was vacuuming. M was laughing because apparently the vacuum was making crazy amounts of noise while she was using it. Good lord I love you B but seriously how did the thought not cross your mind to check and make sure it had a bag. Actually its not that hard because it has a clear-ish red front and you can tell if there is a bag in there or not. Well at least you could before the inside was all full of shit. Seriously what the fuck. Thats all I can really say.

I hate the world!

Thats right I hate the world. After working 24 hours in two days this weekend all I can say about the people I share this world with is I fucking hate you all. Ok well maybe not all of you per say but the vast majority of people. A few notes on things you should not do during the holiday season.

1. Do not take a last mintue Jet trip to see all your flag ship stores because you are the new president of the company the fucking week before Christmas. Do not do this on a Sunday, and most of all do not decied not to fucking come to the store after everyone has worked forever to make everything fucking perfect. Which mind you is not easy the week before Christmas.
2. Seriously if you are shopping the week before Christmas and you are trying to by a very common size, and you can't seem to find it; do not tear the damn table etc. apart looking for something that is not there. Ask for help Damn it turns out thats what they pay us for. And don't get pissed off when we don't have something. It seriously is not my damn fault you waited till the last mintue to do your damn shopping.
   
3. Don't bitch about long lines when in honesty they aren't nearly as long as some lines you will be waiting in. Its fucking Christmas and you are shopping downtown what the hell did you expect, that you were the only one who thought of that. Quit bitching when we are using all 25 register to get you through the line as fast as possible.
   
4. I really don't know what size your 8 year old niece or newphew wears, so don't ask me to figure it out for you. And if you do ask me have some damn information, not I need something for an 8 year old but I haven't seen him/her in over a year so I don't know what he/she looks like. Well wait one second well I bust out my damn crystal ball so I can figure out what you were to stupid to ask for before you went shopping.
5. I also don't know what the child you are buying for will think is cool. I don't have any kids, and i'm not 8,9,10 ,11 etc. I'm 27 and as it turns out what I like and what they like are tottally different.
   
6. If your kid is 13 or older please get out of the damn kids department. Turst me its very likely that the clothes are going to fit, and they aren't going to like them anyways. I know the fleece is only five dollars, but at some point they will get sick of the same thing every year.
7. If I tell you how kids sizes translate into adult sizes don't argue with me. This is what they pay me to know. Not to mention the fact that I can actually wear both, so I know. They overlap. I'm not trying to fuck with you because it is really in my best interest that you don't return the shit, but please do it your way because I can't wait to see your dumb ass again in January.
   
8. If you are my boss and I have just come in at 9am after working till 1am the previous night/same day. The first words out of your mouth damn well better not be "I'm going to need you to put on a hat (stupid fucking santa hat mind you). If you are lucky I will throw my keys at you and leave if you are unlucky you mind find yourself with a set of keys shoved so far up your ass that they are stuck in your throat. Seriously can a I get a goodmorning. Thanks for working your ass off when I was not will to do the same. Because if you were so damn stressed about the visit why were only two of us closing. I didn't see your ass here till 1am.
   
9. If you do not want to work, don't get a fucking job. At work people generally expect for you to do something. I understand you are too stupid to be able to get a job where they will pay you more than 8 dollars and hour, but honestly I'm only asking you to fold shit which isn't that hard. It would be nice if you could help out the customers, however for the time being I can manage to do that myself, if only you could fold some damn shirts.
10. If you are salary instead of hourly I'm going to need you to work more than me. Doesn't matter if I get overtime because you STILL get paid more than me. If they wanted you to only work 40 hours aweek you would have my job. So quit fucking bitching about having to work a few extra hours. Don't assume just because I get paid OT that I want to work 12 hour day more that you do.
11. You should know that we really don't want to be open later during the holidays. So get off your lazy ass and go shopping a little earlier in the day so we can fucking go home. You really don't need a sweater at 10pm at night. It really can not possibly be the only time you have to do your shopping.
    
12. IF you do happen to shop later at night, don't assume we really want to help you. We will because we are forced to but I assure you we would prefer to stick needles in our eyes. So please find what you need with out bitching or making a bigger mess then is already there.
    
13. I understand that things get messy but honestly I'm not the one who tore up the damn table. I'm not the one who throws shit on the floor. I'll do the best I can to make sure it gets cleaned up, but instead of getting mad at me get mad at your fellow shopper who clearly thinks they are the only shopper in the world.
14. Do not send me an email for all my hardwork. I did work hard some I'm going to need you to make a little more effort to say thank you. Not a whole lot the words to my face will do. Because honestly and email sent to everyone is just a bunch of bull shit. I made the effort to do the extra work I'm going to need you to make the effort to say thank you.
15. Lastly do not christmas shop with kids. And if you feel the need to please watch your damn kids because that is not my job. It is not fun to throw balls down the escaltor, to throw clothes on the floor, and run all over the place. Get some control. Pay attention to them, do not let them wander away, so we can all freak out about where the hell they are.
    

Ok so normally I don't mind Christmas so much but this year has sucked monkey balls. Turns out lots of people think its fun to shop downtown Chicago at christmas. Till then I will spend all my time thinking its only seven more days, its only six more days. God help me I'm not really sure I will make it without killing someone.

Perks of a big city flagship

Now I know what your thinking can there really be any perks to working in a huge retail store during the Christmas season? Well I didn't think so either but it turns out there really can be. Yesterday we got to be one of three store to participate in a shopping event for 100 kids from the boys and girls club. That in itself was really quite fun, but in addition this year they had celebrity guest for the kids. Our celebrity was A.J. Pierzynski. If you don't know who he is clearly you don't live in Chicago or watch baseball at all, and you are definitly not a southsider. For those of you who still don't get it he is the catcher for The White Sox. Also he is H's very most favorite player. He is one of my most favorite players because he likes to stir up trouble, because he is good at what he does, and because Twins fans hate him sooo much.
All the bajillion managers had to be in charge of something, and my job was to be in charge of the cash register where the kids would check out i.e. I got to hold all the money. Not actually money but the cards the kids got to use, which was stressful enough in itself mind you. Also I had to punch holes in the lanyards the kids were wearing so that I would know who recieved there cards. About an hour into the event they brought A.J. behind the registers to meet all of us who were back there, and to take pictures etc. which mind you was a great deal of fun. Only problem was that I was still trying to make sure the kids got checked out. It was all kinds of crazyness. A.J. wanted to wear our fabulous headsets, but my boss didn't really seem to like the idea of me giving him mine. Anyways I did get my picture taken with him, and it actually is a decent picture of me. Many of you know how I feel about pictures. I will post it when I got to my mom's house and scan it into the computer since it is was taken with a polariod. I'm not sure how it will turn out but I'm super excite. I'm going to try and blow up the picture so H can have a copy as I know how excited he will be to have it.
On the down side I do have a huge bruise on my hand from trying to punch holes in the kids lanyards, and a blood blister on my finger because it kept pinching it. I didn't get my picture signed like everyone else though because I was a little busy with the kids. Its a hard knock life I know. The kids did seem to have a good time which I guess is whats really important. We kept having to send kids back though to spend more money. That was really fun. Some had a really hard time spending that much money which was really sweet. All an all not a bad days work.

Maybe I don't need a (Red) Ipod

Ok so i've been thinking about my desire to have a (red) Ipod, and I still really want one, but its becoming clear that I may need a few other things more than I need the Ipod. So as you all know it is all the sudden cold as hell and it snowed lots. Well as I walked to work on day one of the snow storm I thought while walking along: hey this is way better to walk in that it was to drive in. I can enjoy the beautiy that is the snow on the very first day that it snows while walking to work. This lasted about half of the way to work when I realized that my new boots were getting ruin because all the damn slush that had yet to have been shoveled. Though my mood was definitly lighted when I saw a women in four inch heeled boots shoveling her steps. Complete with dress capris and everything. Because apparently on here would someone not actually go inside and change into something a little more snow apporiate. It was very amusing, could have been better if she would have fallen.
Ok so day after the snow storm, and I'm already crabby to start with because its cold as hell. As you've read I'm sure cold as hell outside means I pretty much don't want to get out of bed inside because my apartment is cold as hell, so now i'm also running late for work. Now this time I don't wear my boots, but just a loafer type of shoe. Which is probably one of three pairs of shoes that I can wear outside to walk in, in the snow. SO i'm trying to walk fast which is clearly not working because apparently, with the exception of the lady in the four in heels, no one likes to shovel sidewalks in this city. So naturally I fall on the last patch of ice before the train. Now besides feeling like an ass because I fell my knee hurts so bad that I can hardly walk. Then while walking home the same day I free my ass off again because I have already lost one of each of my two pairs of gloves, and I can't find my old hat and my new hat blows.
SO I guess the moral of the story here is that I need Uggs for Christmas instead of the (Red) Ipod. Just think you will be investing in my warmth. And I'm pretty sure I can fit the kids ones and those will be way cheaper.
I really want a (red) Ipod and a pair of boots for Christmas, but I don't really suppose anyone is going to buy me either one of those things. I guess I will spring for the boots eventually, and forget about the Ipod.

My day off

Ok so today I buckled down and finished the preparing of my cold ass apartment for the winter. I finished putting plastic on my windows, since I had to take a break since I broke my hairdryer last time. This was actually way more fun than it was the first time, and all because of a fun little tool that my dad let me have called a heat gun. I'm pretty sure by have I mean borrow as I'm guessing he is going to make me give the fun tool back. It actually looks just like a blow dryer except it is really really hot. I'm tottally considering trying to blow dry my hair with it since it worked so well on the window plastic, but my dad assures me that it is not a good plan. However I'm kind of getting tired of trying to dry my hair with a luke warm hairdryer. I know I could go out and buy a new one but I kind of feel like being all Tim Allenish and trying to dry my hair with more power.
In addition to this window plastic that I put up, I finished sealing all my doors with that sticky foam stuff. I went through like three roles of that shit trying to seal up all the cracks. Now I can't really get my doors open and closed well with out pushin really hard, so will see how long this lasts. Then I thought if everyone puts blankets up to keep the cold air in mabye if I put blankets over my doors it will keep some of the cold air out. So I pinned up blankets over both my doors. I'm not really sure how this is going to work with going in and out of them, but I'm really fucking cold so i'll pretty much try anything at this point. Plus if you only open the door like ten inches it does work out so bad. The blankets are not quite long enough to make it to the floor so I might have get something else to put at the bottom of the doors. Though this was all really good fun I assure you, I'm also quite sure that if the people that owned this place just got new windows and doors that weren't 40 years old things would be a whole lot easier for me.
I know what your thinking that was already a very productive day for me, but alas I didn't stop there. Then I cleaned the kitchen. I mean I REALLY clean the kitchen. I even washed the floors. I know that in itself is shocking, but then I cleaned the bathroom. Let me tell you I was starting to wonder why I paid more money for a shower curtain that wasn't supppose to get moldy, since my seemed to look a little moldy as of late. Turns out you just have to wipe it off who knew. Seriously who knew. Now its like new. Which is sweet because even though I can't really see without my glasses, and generally don't take a shower with my glasses on, I was starting to be able to see the mold in my shower. An really does one feel clean take a shower with mold so close to oneself. No but you'd be surprise how long one can live with it.
All thats left is my living room which I can't really clean because H won't bring me my Damn VACUUM back. There are you happy H I spelled vacuum right for you. I love that you forget you are almost as bad of a speller as I am.