My friends are morons!!!

Ok I do know that it is highly likely that I don't have any friends after writing that, but seriously it can't go with out saying any longer. Its not that I don't still love them, as they know that I do. Ok so here's the story of said Friday morning/afternoon while I was getting ready for to go to work:

So I get out of bed at a rather late hour of the day. Just wanting a little woo-shaa time to myself before I go to work. So I go into my kitchen to make some tea, and my slippers stick to the damn floor. I mean my big ass frog head slippers are soooooo stuck to the floor that they actually come off my feet. The first thought through my very tired brain is What the fuck. Second thought a very loud one: "I'm going to fucking kill him" Then "who the hell makes this kind of mess and doesn't fucking clean it up." Back story: my friend Hans came over the night before. I thought he was drinking beer mind you, but he must have made himself a Whiskey 7. Though I didn't actually ever see the bottle of 7up, the evidence of its existence was all over my kitchen.
Now if you know anything about me you know A. I'm not a big fan of cleaning, and B. I don't like anyone in my kitchen because I'm anal retentive. So when you make a huge mess in my kitchen and leave it I'm more than a little pissed off. M says H wouldn't have noticed it. To which I respond unless you were blind I don't know how you could have missed it. There is pop all over my floor, all over the sink, the counters, the dishwasher, the cabinets, its even on my hamburg buns and on my damn bananas. I mopped the floor 3 times until I ran out of swifter cleaning stuff. Now I'm going to have to wash it by hand which really irritates me.
mad as not only do i not have any Now the reason H was over in the first place was to bring me my vacuum. Finally, as its been in MN for the past 7 months. I don't know why I thought to do this, but I wanted to check and see if I need vacuum bags or not. So I can vacuum my nasty floor. Well I open the vacuum and this cat hair and shit comes out of it. As there is no bag in it. Ok now I'm just about rageingvacuum bags, but now I have a bigger mess than I started with, and I'm not entirely sure the vacuum will even still work. Still talking to M online line I say "Who the fuck used my damn vacuum" and her ass just starts laughing. Cause apparently the were out of vacuum bags at her house and B decided to use my vacuum instead. Apparently the thought that no one has used the vacuum in months, and the thought that the last time I used it was to clean the apartment didn't cross her mind as she was vacuuming. M was laughing because apparently the vacuum was making crazy amounts of noise while she was using it. Good lord I love you B but seriously how did the thought not cross your mind to check and make sure it had a bag. Actually its not that hard because it has a clear-ish red front and you can tell if there is a bag in there or not. Well at least you could before the inside was all full of shit. Seriously what the fuck. Thats all I can really say.

I hate the world!

Thats right I hate the world. After working 24 hours in two days this weekend all I can say about the people I share this world with is I fucking hate you all. Ok well maybe not all of you per say but the vast majority of people. A few notes on things you should not do during the holiday season.

1. Do not take a last mintue Jet trip to see all your flag ship stores because you are the new president of the company the fucking week before Christmas. Do not do this on a Sunday, and most of all do not decied not to fucking come to the store after everyone has worked forever to make everything fucking perfect. Which mind you is not easy the week before Christmas.
2. Seriously if you are shopping the week before Christmas and you are trying to by a very common size, and you can't seem to find it; do not tear the damn table etc. apart looking for something that is not there. Ask for help Damn it turns out thats what they pay us for. And don't get pissed off when we don't have something. It seriously is not my damn fault you waited till the last mintue to do your damn shopping.
   
3. Don't bitch about long lines when in honesty they aren't nearly as long as some lines you will be waiting in. Its fucking Christmas and you are shopping downtown what the hell did you expect, that you were the only one who thought of that. Quit bitching when we are using all 25 register to get you through the line as fast as possible.
   
4. I really don't know what size your 8 year old niece or newphew wears, so don't ask me to figure it out for you. And if you do ask me have some damn information, not I need something for an 8 year old but I haven't seen him/her in over a year so I don't know what he/she looks like. Well wait one second well I bust out my damn crystal ball so I can figure out what you were to stupid to ask for before you went shopping.
5. I also don't know what the child you are buying for will think is cool. I don't have any kids, and i'm not 8,9,10 ,11 etc. I'm 27 and as it turns out what I like and what they like are tottally different.
   
6. If your kid is 13 or older please get out of the damn kids department. Turst me its very likely that the clothes are going to fit, and they aren't going to like them anyways. I know the fleece is only five dollars, but at some point they will get sick of the same thing every year.
7. If I tell you how kids sizes translate into adult sizes don't argue with me. This is what they pay me to know. Not to mention the fact that I can actually wear both, so I know. They overlap. I'm not trying to fuck with you because it is really in my best interest that you don't return the shit, but please do it your way because I can't wait to see your dumb ass again in January.
   
8. If you are my boss and I have just come in at 9am after working till 1am the previous night/same day. The first words out of your mouth damn well better not be "I'm going to need you to put on a hat (stupid fucking santa hat mind you). If you are lucky I will throw my keys at you and leave if you are unlucky you mind find yourself with a set of keys shoved so far up your ass that they are stuck in your throat. Seriously can a I get a goodmorning. Thanks for working your ass off when I was not will to do the same. Because if you were so damn stressed about the visit why were only two of us closing. I didn't see your ass here till 1am.
   
9. If you do not want to work, don't get a fucking job. At work people generally expect for you to do something. I understand you are too stupid to be able to get a job where they will pay you more than 8 dollars and hour, but honestly I'm only asking you to fold shit which isn't that hard. It would be nice if you could help out the customers, however for the time being I can manage to do that myself, if only you could fold some damn shirts.
10. If you are salary instead of hourly I'm going to need you to work more than me. Doesn't matter if I get overtime because you STILL get paid more than me. If they wanted you to only work 40 hours aweek you would have my job. So quit fucking bitching about having to work a few extra hours. Don't assume just because I get paid OT that I want to work 12 hour day more that you do.
11. You should know that we really don't want to be open later during the holidays. So get off your lazy ass and go shopping a little earlier in the day so we can fucking go home. You really don't need a sweater at 10pm at night. It really can not possibly be the only time you have to do your shopping.
    
12. IF you do happen to shop later at night, don't assume we really want to help you. We will because we are forced to but I assure you we would prefer to stick needles in our eyes. So please find what you need with out bitching or making a bigger mess then is already there.
    
13. I understand that things get messy but honestly I'm not the one who tore up the damn table. I'm not the one who throws shit on the floor. I'll do the best I can to make sure it gets cleaned up, but instead of getting mad at me get mad at your fellow shopper who clearly thinks they are the only shopper in the world.
14. Do not send me an email for all my hardwork. I did work hard some I'm going to need you to make a little more effort to say thank you. Not a whole lot the words to my face will do. Because honestly and email sent to everyone is just a bunch of bull shit. I made the effort to do the extra work I'm going to need you to make the effort to say thank you.
15. Lastly do not christmas shop with kids. And if you feel the need to please watch your damn kids because that is not my job. It is not fun to throw balls down the escaltor, to throw clothes on the floor, and run all over the place. Get some control. Pay attention to them, do not let them wander away, so we can all freak out about where the hell they are.
    

Ok so normally I don't mind Christmas so much but this year has sucked monkey balls. Turns out lots of people think its fun to shop downtown Chicago at christmas. Till then I will spend all my time thinking its only seven more days, its only six more days. God help me I'm not really sure I will make it without killing someone.